Radio

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2009/apr/24/raphael-saadiq-interview

"My brother was murdered when I was seven," he says, matter-of-factly. "Then another brother ODed - heroin - and my other brother committed suicide because he couldn't get off drugs. My sister was a singer, she sang blues. A cop was chasin' some kid through a residential neighbourhood, and the kid killed her when he ran into her car. And through all of that I was makin' records, but it wasn't comin' out in the music. I did it to kinda show people you can have some real tough things happen in your life, but you don't have to wear it on your sleeve."

Taylor Swift should take notes. She may be pretty and a gifted musician but I would hate to date her. She refrains from telling interviewers about her private life yet endorses gossip and rumours in her music. Her sweet demeanour shouldn't shade the fact that she's saying, "Fuck you. I'm so over you and have moved on with my life! Though this concept can make a brilliant new song. Time to make more money!"

Well, it's her life and she can do what the hell she wants. I just feel bad for some of the guys being made out to be massive pricks by being named and shamed when they didn't really get a chance to defend themselves or reveal their side of the story.

Turgenev

Being a girl who occasionally wears cute dresses, people often assume I'm the type who loves weddings. Sure, I'm happy for the people who get married but every wedding I've been to there's been something I felt sad about and cried. It's quite scary... if I ever get married one day, I'll be crying a river :/

I'm not afraid to get married, but I'm very much afraid of wedding processions and receptions. People say "it's your big day, you've got to look pretty and celebrate" but there's something about it that seems like a celebration for everyone else. People expect you to entertain them with food and drinks, music, dancing, and anything else. If you don't make ends meet their expectation, they talk about you behind your back or even confront you; maybe you should have done more for your wedding, it was quite boring. What about the people getting married? Why is it hard to be happy for them if they are happy for each other though the entertainment was supposedly crap?

That's the end of rant 1 (in blog form... for now). Next part isn't a rant so much as a proclamation of the love I have for "romantic" literature.

No Longer Human

The new blogger layout is confusing :S it's going to take some time to adjust to it.

So I want to rage quit life. Again. Of course nothing will be done about it because I'm too dipshit scared. Again -__-

Two friends recently went back to Taiwan... I miss them a lot and hopefully will meet them again. I especially miss Steph, who left early February for an exchange. She won't be back until February next year.

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Living at the moment is awful. I'm failing at everything: relationships with friends, uni, work, future career. I want to choose a different course, whether it's at university or TAFE or college, and learn something besides social work. Not slagging the subject, social work still interests me but not enough to want to work in the field. It's very hypocritical: I've supported people who have changed their course or career at my age or older, yet I cannot bring myself to do the same thing. Mostly because of finance (money wasted or well used?) and the fact that I'm halfway to finishing the course. I'm not completely sure what I want to do.

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Health is getting worse. Every morning so far I've gotten a fever and haven't been sleeping well. Most evenings I get stomach aches and headaches. Back and arms constantly hurt. Doctors have told me that it's both stress and diet related, lack of balance in life needs more vitamins! The vitamins are making me physically stronger in some way but I've still got the problems already mentioned. I was recommended massage therapy but don't have enough money to get one then constantly do it.

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I recently had an epiphany. One of those "oh fuck, what have I done?" type of epiphanies. While other people are to blame for their mistakes, I also took part in fucking up our relationships. I want to apologise but still yell at them for hurting me as well... it won't work out and would likely end our relationships without solving anything. I wish I could go back in time and not fuck things up.

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Now to the title of this post. I have read No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai already (finished it sometime last year) but am constantly fascinated with the novel. Funny thing with having favourite stories is that I cannot explain completely what they're about (I normally forget the storyline, lol) nor can I remember all the characters (most of the time it's the name of the main protagonist that I forget) but I can quote or paraphrase some parts (though I might get the idea wrong). I enjoyed reading No Longer Human but the novel was mostly memorable and poignant from the second part of the third notebook (for me, anyway). Everyday I am reminded of three things:
1. "Despising each other as we did, we were constantly together, thereby degrading ourselves."
2. Tragic and comic nouns guessing game. Life is not tragic, but comic (this reminded me of a plethora of characters with this outlook on life, namely Kefka from Final Fantasy VI).
3. "Is immaculate trustfulness a sin?"