No Longer Human

The new blogger layout is confusing :S it's going to take some time to adjust to it.

So I want to rage quit life. Again. Of course nothing will be done about it because I'm too dipshit scared. Again -__-

Two friends recently went back to Taiwan... I miss them a lot and hopefully will meet them again. I especially miss Steph, who left early February for an exchange. She won't be back until February next year.

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Living at the moment is awful. I'm failing at everything: relationships with friends, uni, work, future career. I want to choose a different course, whether it's at university or TAFE or college, and learn something besides social work. Not slagging the subject, social work still interests me but not enough to want to work in the field. It's very hypocritical: I've supported people who have changed their course or career at my age or older, yet I cannot bring myself to do the same thing. Mostly because of finance (money wasted or well used?) and the fact that I'm halfway to finishing the course. I'm not completely sure what I want to do.

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Health is getting worse. Every morning so far I've gotten a fever and haven't been sleeping well. Most evenings I get stomach aches and headaches. Back and arms constantly hurt. Doctors have told me that it's both stress and diet related, lack of balance in life needs more vitamins! The vitamins are making me physically stronger in some way but I've still got the problems already mentioned. I was recommended massage therapy but don't have enough money to get one then constantly do it.

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I recently had an epiphany. One of those "oh fuck, what have I done?" type of epiphanies. While other people are to blame for their mistakes, I also took part in fucking up our relationships. I want to apologise but still yell at them for hurting me as well... it won't work out and would likely end our relationships without solving anything. I wish I could go back in time and not fuck things up.

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Now to the title of this post. I have read No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai already (finished it sometime last year) but am constantly fascinated with the novel. Funny thing with having favourite stories is that I cannot explain completely what they're about (I normally forget the storyline, lol) nor can I remember all the characters (most of the time it's the name of the main protagonist that I forget) but I can quote or paraphrase some parts (though I might get the idea wrong). I enjoyed reading No Longer Human but the novel was mostly memorable and poignant from the second part of the third notebook (for me, anyway). Everyday I am reminded of three things:
1. "Despising each other as we did, we were constantly together, thereby degrading ourselves."
2. Tragic and comic nouns guessing game. Life is not tragic, but comic (this reminded me of a plethora of characters with this outlook on life, namely Kefka from Final Fantasy VI).
3. "Is immaculate trustfulness a sin?"